grateful amazement

finding wonder…everywhere.

Trusting My Voice

on January 10, 2013

I’m not sure how it happened.

I’m not sure when it happened.

I’m not sure why it happened.

I only know it happened.

I’ve become unable to trust my voice.

Or maybe I never really have.

An odd topic on a blog called ‘grateful amazement’?

An odd topic after such a bright, shiny, bold post declaring my Word of The Year?

Maybe.

Then again, maybe not.

After all, isn’t it a fairly predictable pattern that our weaknesses become glaring shortly after we announce that we intend to do something about them? To face them? And re-write their scripts in our lives?

I’ve been looking backward, trying to remember the last time I spoke freely. The last time I felt I had something of value to share. The last time I didn’t hesitate in fear of sounding stupid/silly/weak/needy so long that the moment was gone before I could clear my throat.

I haven’t pinpointed it yet.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to.

And I’m not sure it’s all that important for me to.

The messages that play in my head and heart like a looped tape say I’m loud, obnoxious, ridiculous, whiny, needy. In a nutshell – they tell me I am too much. Too much of all of those things, and more.

Those messages need to be rewound, erased, and recorded over.

It’s risky. That work. That un-doing. That re-doing.

Am I up to it?

Do I have enough Truth on my side to do the re-write effectively?

I don’t know the answers to those questions.

I only know it needs to be done.

I also know I am the only one to do it.

TRUSTing my voice was one of the more powerful points that pulled me toward choosing my word.

Little did I know just how upending it would be to my heart.

I choose to believe it will be upending in a good way.

Right now, I am gratefully amazed by just how fast and furious my Word has challenged my Status Quo.

And, I’m gratefully amazed at the chance to find (and trust) my voice again.

A voice is a human gift; it should be cherished and used, to utter fully human speech as possible. Powerlessness and silence go together. Β  ~ Margaret Atwood

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6 responses to “Trusting My Voice

  1. Naz Laila says:

    You have a beautiful voice and yes what you say matters beacause you are a beautiful soul.
    Love.
    http://www.agentlerebellion.com/

  2. Laura, just by posting this, you were amazingly brave + totally trusting your voice.

    So much of what you say resonates with me. I use my writing to speak my truth. Maybe why I write poetry a lot: I can conceal a lot of it in imagery. I don’t have to be so blatantly obvious to everyone else, but I still know what I’m saying + purging.

    Anyway. Just know: I get it.

    And your voice matters. A lot. And…

    You are a beautiful writer!

    • LauraK says:

      Sweet, kind, encouraging Becky…I’ve decided that I want to be like you when I grow up (even though I’m likely older than you!) !! πŸ™‚ Thanks for letting me know you can relate — and for your vote of confidence!
      <3,
      L

  3. Michelle says:

    Your voice is a beautiful sound and needs to heard! Be brave and loud! Your words are spoken so freely and it is so nice to hear them. ❀

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